I Have Been Branded Again.

"If you don't come back to the church before I die, I'm going to come and haunt you."

Those words, grandma, and the seething anger behind them, is what haunts me now.

It has been some time since I last wrote of my spiritual journey. Much has happened in the span of 2 years.

The first thing I want to cover is that...I lost my religion. Last I wrote, I had just started studying about the origins of the Mormon church. I read a book called Rough Stone Rolling by Mormon historian Richard L. Bushman. I wanted to start from a source that is "approved" by the church so no one could blow off the facts that were uncovered there. I figured if the church is "true", then nothing could be lost by understanding the origin story inside and out. Joseph Smith, Jr. was either a liar or an incredible man whom God himself had chosen to create his one true religion. Huge shoes to fill. My time as Savior didn't require me to start cities, write scripture or marry as many people to me as I could get my hands on. His duties included all this and much more.

What I discovered upon reading that book and many more after that was that I had been taught a very simplified version of history for 28 years. Through all of my religion classes that I took ON TOP of my normal school classes, there was information here that had not been covered because it wasn't..."faith promoting". They had washed out the parts that might make fallible humans question their loyalty. I had only begun reading because one day I thought "they have been telling me not to read about certain things. I went to college. I know how to disseminate information, check my sources, look at both sides objectively. I am ready for knowledge. For TRUTH. And no 'spiritual authority' can stop me."

It was fascinating. All through the year I couldn't stop absorbing information. I collected mountains of data. I joined support groups. And once I knew that I had solid evidence that I had been sold a lie to live upon from birth, I cut ties. It was just like when I learned the true purpose of the Fal'cie: using us as servants or pets to meet their own ends, not the other way around.

I wanted to resign on my birthday in April, but it was too soon, emotionally. I wasn't ready to leave my "spiritual abuser". I had quit my church teaching job at least, citing pregnancy and health issues I needed to address. The man I spoke to quipped "but you're too valuable to just sit in the pews! How about an easy nursery job?" I reluctantly agreed in person, but later wrote an email. "I feel like you weren't listening to me. I need to be released from ALL my callings. Thanks."

A couple months later, on July 4th when I could channel the rebellious energy of our American forefathers, I finally sent in my resignation letter to church headquarters. They sent it to my local leader, who called me frantically from scout camp in the mountains. "Was this YOU?!" I explained that it was indeed me and I would be willing to talk about it if he wanted. Of course his job is to try to get me to stay any way he can. I felt he maybe didn't realize what issues I had encountered and could use some education. We talked for an hour and he lamely told me he didn't have answers to my questions but that I should read the Book of Mormon again and pray about it. I told him I would, read half of it that month, told him it was useless and that I wanted my resignation to go through, and it was finalized several weeks later. I was free.

But of course, when you live in Utah, you never escape the Church. It surrounds you and stalks you. It beats you with love.

I was branded a Pulse L'Cie all over again. A sinner. A pariah. Someone trying to tear the family apart and bring it to ruin. Someone whose morals will inevitably slip without an almighty guide.

My grandmother told me she was so mad at me she wanted to punch me and haunt me to get me to realize what I had done. But it was because she loved me so much.

My mother brought her strange opinions and viewpoints but accepted my journey.

My father applauded me as he had been working to get me to see things differently since I was a child.

My aunts and uncles treat me awkwardly but try to play it off like everything is just as it was.

My siblings were surprised as they had already left years ago and I was considered the "stalwart" one. For them it was a sigh of relief that I saw them in a new light.

My extended family invites me to baptisms of 8 year old children and is probably not surprised that I don't attend but rub it in that I will be "missed". An 8 year old "choosing" (socially goaded into) a religion. It seems so wrong to me now.

I hated to cause anyone pain. But I could not live in lies anymore. I have grown up. It was my Saturn Return, my awakening. It seems that since then I have awakened to many more truths as I now raise two boys and work at improving my marriage relationship. We have coasted for a while and I'm ready to make some positive changes again. I have been severely depressed with little time to write, draw, create or feel. I am getting my daycare options put together so I will finally get a reprieve.

I want you to be able to find the strength to change. It is painful, it is brutal. But it will make you stronger. And you will be more free.