I Have Been Branded Again.

"If you don't come back to the church before I die, I'm going to come and haunt you."

Those words, grandma, and the seething anger behind them, is what haunts me now.

It has been some time since I last wrote of my spiritual journey. Much has happened in the span of 2 years.

The first thing I want to cover is that...I lost my religion. Last I wrote, I had just started studying about the origins of the Mormon church. I read a book called Rough Stone Rolling by Mormon historian Richard L. Bushman. I wanted to start from a source that is "approved" by the church so no one could blow off the facts that were uncovered there. I figured if the church is "true", then nothing could be lost by understanding the origin story inside and out. Joseph Smith, Jr. was either a liar or an incredible man whom God himself had chosen to create his one true religion. Huge shoes to fill. My time as Savior didn't require me to start cities, write scripture or marry as many people to me as I could get my hands on. His duties included all this and much more.

What I discovered upon reading that book and many more after that was that I had been taught a very simplified version of history for 28 years. Through all of my religion classes that I took ON TOP of my normal school classes, there was information here that had not been covered because it wasn't..."faith promoting". They had washed out the parts that might make fallible humans question their loyalty. I had only begun reading because one day I thought "they have been telling me not to read about certain things. I went to college. I know how to disseminate information, check my sources, look at both sides objectively. I am ready for knowledge. For TRUTH. And no 'spiritual authority' can stop me."

It was fascinating. All through the year I couldn't stop absorbing information. I collected mountains of data. I joined support groups. And once I knew that I had solid evidence that I had been sold a lie to live upon from birth, I cut ties. It was just like when I learned the true purpose of the Fal'cie: using us as servants or pets to meet their own ends, not the other way around.

I wanted to resign on my birthday in April, but it was too soon, emotionally. I wasn't ready to leave my "spiritual abuser". I had quit my church teaching job at least, citing pregnancy and health issues I needed to address. The man I spoke to quipped "but you're too valuable to just sit in the pews! How about an easy nursery job?" I reluctantly agreed in person, but later wrote an email. "I feel like you weren't listening to me. I need to be released from ALL my callings. Thanks."

A couple months later, on July 4th when I could channel the rebellious energy of our American forefathers, I finally sent in my resignation letter to church headquarters. They sent it to my local leader, who called me frantically from scout camp in the mountains. "Was this YOU?!" I explained that it was indeed me and I would be willing to talk about it if he wanted. Of course his job is to try to get me to stay any way he can. I felt he maybe didn't realize what issues I had encountered and could use some education. We talked for an hour and he lamely told me he didn't have answers to my questions but that I should read the Book of Mormon again and pray about it. I told him I would, read half of it that month, told him it was useless and that I wanted my resignation to go through, and it was finalized several weeks later. I was free.

But of course, when you live in Utah, you never escape the Church. It surrounds you and stalks you. It beats you with love.

I was branded a Pulse L'Cie all over again. A sinner. A pariah. Someone trying to tear the family apart and bring it to ruin. Someone whose morals will inevitably slip without an almighty guide.

My grandmother told me she was so mad at me she wanted to punch me and haunt me to get me to realize what I had done. But it was because she loved me so much.

My mother brought her strange opinions and viewpoints but accepted my journey.

My father applauded me as he had been working to get me to see things differently since I was a child.

My aunts and uncles treat me awkwardly but try to play it off like everything is just as it was.

My siblings were surprised as they had already left years ago and I was considered the "stalwart" one. For them it was a sigh of relief that I saw them in a new light.

My extended family invites me to baptisms of 8 year old children and is probably not surprised that I don't attend but rub it in that I will be "missed". An 8 year old "choosing" (socially goaded into) a religion. It seems so wrong to me now.

I hated to cause anyone pain. But I could not live in lies anymore. I have grown up. It was my Saturn Return, my awakening. It seems that since then I have awakened to many more truths as I now raise two boys and work at improving my marriage relationship. We have coasted for a while and I'm ready to make some positive changes again. I have been severely depressed with little time to write, draw, create or feel. I am getting my daycare options put together so I will finally get a reprieve.

I want you to be able to find the strength to change. It is painful, it is brutal. But it will make you stronger. And you will be more free.

Us Or Them...Cocoon or Pulse...Believer or Heathen...

Lately I've been spiritually listless. I've been going through the motions at church. It comes easy as it's the only way I've ever really tried to "be spiritual". There have been glimpses of my own spiritual intuition here and there, but otherwise, I've allowed the church organization to run my life for me. I've always been promised good things if I follow all the rules, guidelines, commandments...you get the idea. And it's true, my life really couldn't get much better. I'm in a happy marriage, I own a home, I'm raising a darling little boy. But I sometimes wonder if these things just happened naturally because I worked hard for them, or if I found some favor with Heavenly Father.

I can't help but draw some parallels between life under the Fal'cie on Cocoon and life within organized Christian religion today. The mighty and righteous peoples of Cocoon lived happily in the world the Fal'Cie created for them while the people of Pulse, the heathens whom we were taught only wished to tear us down from the sky, lived in misery and ignorance. Those savages! They were to be feared and reviled. A Pulse L'Cie was many times worse, endowed with evil power, devils with a human face. A Cocoon L'Cie was a Savior, a hero who could protect us all from a firey fate. The only catch was, if they couldn't figure out their focus from a hazy vision given by the Fal'Cie, they were doomed to an eternity of despair as a mindless C'ieth. And if they DID somehow manage to pull off the miracle they were charged with, they were promised "eternal life" as a stationary crystal to be worshiped and admired by the rescued citizens. Some reward for exchanging your freedom...

As a Pulse L'Cie, I despaired to think I was charged with the destruction of my own world and the people I loved and served. My loyalties torn between the worlds, I couldn't think of any acceptable outcome. All was lost. But when my sister told me to save cocoon and then turned to crystal herself, I somehow knew that she wasn't lying; that my mission could actually be something other than I had supposed. Everyone could have a happy ending even though the stigma attached to me said otherwise.

As I contemplate what life outside my religion would be like, I feel it would be nearly the same struggle I had before. I would be come the "other" to people I once shared beliefs with and be shunned. The shock and misunderstandings and rumors would be unstoppable. All I want to do is live a happy life and be my truest self, but the price to pay (should it be true that the covenants I made have a standing in the afterlife) would be too great to bear. Without a Focus given to me by those in authority, would I despair and become a C'ieth, doomed to wander, lost for eternity? Or do I trust the small inner voice like Serah's, who assures me with love and conviction that I can define my own Focus and everything will be ok?

The scales at this point are wavering. The courage I had in the past is different than what I need now. Back then, I was battling a physical battle. It was something I knew instinctively how to do. Life or death were the only two options. I have to trust a completely different set of instincts in this battle, the options being spiritual enlightenment or eternal damnation for myself and my posterity. A heavy weight lies on my heart. I wish the answer would just come to me. I will keep praying, keep studying, keep hoping that my final decision will not end my eternal progression...

Hope and the Rainbow

(Note to reader: when the "past life" is mentioned, it is referring to game lore from the Final Fantasy XIII series. When the current life is mentioned, it is referring to my actual real life and beliefs. It's fun to tie the two together in an exploration of spiritual matters. What some believe to be myth in this world, others believe to be true. Please let me know if I am being insensitive or offensive to your beliefs. I do not want to start any flame wars.)

Hope. That word stirs such feelings in me. It's the driving force in all humans, what keeps them looking forward. To me, Hope was also a boy who I watched grow to be a man. We protected each other and helped each other realize our full potential. Our past life was full of incredible discoveries about how strong we all truly are when when we hold on to our Hope.

The symbol of the rainbow as described in Noah's story in the Bible is synonymous with hope. It's a promise from God that the Earth will not be flooded again in the future. It's a promise of good things to come for those who are righteous in this life.

I want to tell you about a special experience I had in this life that is both deeply personal and something I want to shout from a mountaintop. If it was a coincidence, it was a spectacular one. I'd like to think it was a miracle.

My grandfather was someone who revered the rainbow and used it as much as he could in his home and office decor. He collected rainbow children's books, photos, pins, clothing and more. He put references to the rainbow in speeches and poems he wrote in his career as an educational counselor. He inspired joy and hope in everyone who came to know him as "The Rainbow Man". He even had a sign at the family cabin that welcomed us to "The Williams Rainbow Retreat".

Sadly, he passed away from complications due to prostate cancer in November of 2011. He was positive until his dying breath. I brought a rainbow pinata to his funeral service and his blue casket was topped in a rainbow of roses. The pews were full of people from church, from BYU (no one could top him for biggest BYU sports fan. NO ONE.), from schools where he had worked, from his community. Truly a hero's sendoff. And this was just his Utah service.

He had a second service in Mesa, Arizona where he had lived and worked for many years. I was unable to attend his burial service, but was given a full report. It had been raining on and off throughout the day. My mother went, even though she had long been divorced from my father (grandpa is his father). They have always been on good terms. Mom brought with her a rainbow striped umbrella.

The burial service was held under a canopy, though the sky had begun to clear. My mother said people were slowly leaving after paying their final respects, but something told her to stay a bit longer. She felt it...there was going to be a rainbow.

And wouldn't you know it...there it formed, and not just any rainbow. The giant, brightly colored, full-arced double rainbow of lore. Noah himself would be misty eyed. It stretched all the way over the cemetery like a gateway to Heaven itself.

Grandpa must have some serious pull on the other side. The angels probably heard a request as he ran up the stairs with his arms open wide, and I can just imagine the smiles on their faces as they said, "oh, you just watch."

A Long Time Ago, On A World Called Cocoon...

Where do I even start?

My name is Claire Farron. I'm nobody, really. Not in this time and place. Not when you compare it with...before.

I wanted to create this blog because I'm feeling a little lost. Before, my purpose in life was clear as "crystal". It took time and many hardships, but eventually, I knew exactly where I was headed. Nowadays, it just feels like I have too many options. It's a bit overwhelming.

I know you won't believe me. I'm one who remembers their past life. Very few on this world can claim the same, and thus we are viewed with a fair bit of incredulity. It doesn't matter. I know what I was. A sister. A soldier. A pawn. And finally, almost a goddess.

In the space between the world I came from and this one, I told a god that he had no place with humanity and I banished him. On this new world there are still believers that claim he's out there, watching over us. Some believe he is benevolent, only bringing to us love and wisdom. Others claim he is vengeful, angry with how we've turned out yet again. I no longer have the power to see him and confront him face to face. I, like so many others, have to simply go on faith. It's something I struggle with.

That god could not see into our souls and figure out what made us so special. We were intelligences that already existed and were granted bodies and missions in life. He wanted to occupy us and force us into a perfect existence. Naturally, our souls strive for independence and the uprising was too much for him to overcome in the end. I've learned of a being called Satan, Lucifer, or "The Devil", and his story lines up with Bhunivelze's. He was "cast out of Heaven". Perhaps another being has taken his place as the true God. Maybe Bhunivelze hadn't created this world at all and took the credit.

Whatever the case, I think we can all agree on one thing: whatever is supposed to happen to us after we die will happen, and if there is indeed a Judgment, perhaps we should choose our actions more carefully in this world.

What I want for you to do for this post is to introduce yourself, name your religion if you affiliate with one, and describe three truths in your life - three things that you personally have found to be unshakable.

My name is Claire. I was raised on this world as a Mormon. I know there are those that have seen the dead after they have passed. I know that I want to be with my family after I die. I know that being good to other people gives me true satisfaction.

Your turn.